2 posts tagged “life”

This past Sunday my wife and I had a slight misunderstanding as we were going out. Her car was parked in the garage, which we normally get to through the basement. My truck was parked outside in the drive-way. My wife had expected me to be taking her car because she had seen me go to the basement earlier. However, I found that her seats were all covered with books and magazines. So, I came back upstairs, took our son and headed out through the kitchen door to the driveway, where my truck was parked.

My mistake was that I did not tell her that I was going to take the truck since I assumed that she knew the seats in her car were covered with books and magazines. Well, long story short, she was not very happy when she finally came outside because she had had to go down the stairs, out through our backyard and finally all the way round the house to the driveway. She expressed her displeasure and I knew that I had to apologize. I’d like to share the process that I used. Hopefully, this will be a tool that you can use too when you need to apologize to someone. My process is an acronym of the word APOLOGIZE.

How to APOLOGIZE:

Acknowledge the offense - The first step in apologizing is acknowledging that you did something wrong. Many of us fail to do this because of pride or shame. Acknowledging the offense simply means taking responsibility for your actions. It takes a lot of courage, maturity and humility to acknowledge that you were on the wrong.

Purpose to focus on your actions - It is so tempting during a misunderstanding to want to point out the other person’s role. You have to focus on your actions because you have or had no control over the other person’s actions. Do not be tempted to point out the other person’s errors, mistakes or flaws. 

Outline what you did wrong - Clearly explain what you did wrong. You have to be direct and honest. Outlining your actions is best done face-to-face. We live in a technologically savvy world and it is so easy to want to send a quick email or make a phone call. However making an apology is best done face-to-face.

Listen for feedback and criticism - Be open to feedback or criticism from the other person. This is not a time to defend yourself. I have always looked at feedback as feed-forward - information designed to make me a better person tomorrow. Listening for feedback proves that you are willing to make changes.

Offer your sincere apologies - Clearly state that you are sorry for the offense. Being sincere means that you have to avoid using the word ‘but’. Many people apologize like this: ”I’m sorry, but ..” Saying ‘but’ really means that you are not sorry. Again, this also means that you are not focusing on your own actions.

Genuinely express remorse - This is really the first step in repairing the damage done. You have to ask for forgiveness. The benefit of this is that it demonstrates to the offended party that you want the relationship to go back to normal. Expressing remorse is essential for the relationship to begin afresh. 

Identify how you can make amends - This depends on the nature of the offense. Think about what caused the misunderstanding or offense and then figure out what you can do next time so that it does not happen again. You have to really uncover what the underlying problem is and make sure that you never repeat this mistake again.

Zero-in on a resolution - A true apology requires a resolution of the problem. Do something specific that remedies the situation and allows trust to be restored in the relationship. Look the offended person in the eye and assure them that you will do everything necessary to avoid this problem in future.

Endeavor to repair damages done- Finally, there are many things you can do to build-up and enhance the relationship. This might be as simple as a kiss, a note, flowers or a letter to the person you had offended. This communicates to the recipient that you have put everything behind you and the issue should be brought up again. 

July 21st is a special day for me. Christmas, for me, comes in July - on July 21st! Today is a special July 21st for me because I'm starting a new decade of my life. As I enter this new season, I'm thinking of what the rest of my life will be. Life is short and we need to constantly be asking ourselves the question, "Am I living a life that is making a difference for those around me?" Bob Buford once said, “None of us know when we will die, but all of us, if we wish, can select our own epitaph”. Man's greatest challenge is to live a life that leaves a solid legacy behind him. This July 21st, I'm asking myself ten key questions that will determine the rest of my life. Here are the ten key questions that are foremost in my heart right now (there's a bonus question after the ten):

1. Am I going to be one of the boys and get the affirmation of mediocrity or will I step out of the herd and blaze a trail of accomplishment?

The idea of affirming people has been around for a long time. Dale Carnegie’s 1936 masterpiece, ‘How to Win Friends and influence People’, has helped so many people over the years to develop a people-centered perspective that has enabled them to empower others positively. I would highly suggest a reading of the book. When you focus on self, all you care about is personal accomplishments. But when you learn to affirm others, you empower them to accomplish great things.

2. Will I be enticed by the promises of wealth or will I live an epic life based on my true capacity?

Nothing excites me more than the person who gives up financial gain for the sake of developing his or her personal potential. When you live with such a philosophy, growth is never a problem. It’s potential-centered thinking that sets the pace for the kind of legacy a person will leave behind. Again, when one is not blossoming in life, the pre-dominant question is “What can I get (or receive) from this situation?” When one is in bloom, the pre-dominant question is “How can I grow in this situation?”

3. Am I tempted by the life of ease and play now, or am I motivated by the desire for living my best life possible?

There are two kinds of people in life: eagles and turkeys. Turkeys are usually show-offs. Nothing pleasures them more than just having fun - 24/7. Then there are eagles. These are usually focused and goal-oriented people. They'd rather engage in something that enables them to grow and grow others than just play and have fun all the time.

4. Do I want to live a life of comfort and convenience or will I soar towards a better life in which I make an even greater difference in society?

John F. Kennedy said, ” And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you -ask what you can do for your country. My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man.” Most people are looking for security from their leaders. Those who blossom in life find ways in which they can significantly contribute to their country and community.

5. Am I going to settle for the acceptance of my peers and friends or will I aim for the excellence that comes from the pursuit of a cause that is greater than my personal dreams?

Do you know what happens to crabs in a bucket? As one of them tries to make it's way out of the bucket, the others will always pull it down. Think of people now. Many people don't even attempt to climb out of the bucket because they enjoy the acceptance of mediocrity. They'd rather hang with the boys and girls rather than excel with the men and women who are making a difference.

6. Am I satisfied with adding value to my community or will I go for the more rewarding joy of multiplying value to the world?

Value multipliers impact and influence other people greatly. The great thing about being a value multiplier is that you are able to empower people to be organized and do something positive. What a beauty! You multiply value by passing along the best in yourself to other people. I’m always pleased when I hear from people I led in high school and at the university. They always say things like, “Herman, that idea was awesome. It took our group to a whole new level.” While those short-term moves were great for whichever group I led, the best thing is that they felt empowered.

7. Will I be a jack of all trades and master of none or will I stand out from the pack and be a master of one thing?

This is my pet peeve. We engage ourselves in too many things nowadays. I acknowledge that in life we have to wear many hats but it becomes a problem when those hats don't fit us! You've got to find the hats that fit you. You were born with purpose and potential inside you. The sun's rays do not burn unless brought to a point of focus. Find your magnifying glass and let those rays burn!

8. Am I going to fill up my life with things and events or will I go for the right things and events?

Most people’s undoing is that they short-change themselves by being involved in too many things. Life for them is measured in numbers - how many activities, how many parties, how many friends, etc. They believe that the more events/activities they engage in, the better their lives will be. Wrong! We need to go for quality. It's not how much activity you engage in but the productivity you manifest! It's not how many parties you go to, but the quality of the parties. It's not how many friends you have but the richness of the friendships you have.

9. Is my prime desire to have a stable life or am I willing to tap into the joy of living significantly?

We live in a unique day and age. It's so easy to live a stable life by simply being mediocre. I think we need to go beyond stability to success. You may have seen the movie Click. I'll put my own spin on it. It's about this guy who wants to live a stable life and acquires a remote from Bed, Bath and Beyond that enables him to control virtually every aspect of his life. We can't control everything in life. Success comes when we engage with variables that we can't control. Let's go BEYOND stability. Let's strive for success.

10. Am I laboring in my work at the expense of my family or am I creating a legacy for those whom I love and society in general?

Nothing dominates life more than work. Every day we are working! Small wonder that the Sabbath was created for us. Even though we must work to keep in order to keep life moving, we must do so in the context of family. Work should not revolve around family but family around work. My family is my first priority, not my work. I am a family man, not a work horse!

Bonus Question

Am I living for the next level or developing a legacy for and with my family, friends and people in general?

People today are consumed with the idea of going to the next level in their lives, be it in their relationships, careers, finances or other area of life. July 21st might seem like going to the next level for me but I find the idea of going to the next level to be too limiting. My paradigm is that we need to be consumed with the idea of the kind of legacy we will leave behind at the end of the seasons of our lives. Thinking about your legacy every day, rather than thinking about the next level only, makes you a better leader. Thinking about a legacy makes you other-people centered while thinking about going to the next level tends to make one self-centered.